I still blog sometimes

Sydney is almost 4 months old, now. My last blog entry was her birth story. I barely have enough time to brush my teeth, eat a meal, or pee. Blogging has definitely taken the back burner. I miss it.

Motherhood, for me, can be summed up in two words: blissful exhaustion. There are days that I'm running on fumes but she flashes a big gummy smile and I realize "this is what life's all about". She has a predictable schedule and has been on the same schedule since she was close to 7 weeks old with a bedtime of 8pm, a bottle at 3-4am, and then she's up for the day between 7 & 8 am eating every 3 hours during the day. I'm amazed at how fast she's grown. Just a few weeks ago, she was in my tummy. It's so strange to see something that was just inside of you, grow and thrive on the outside.

It's been tough dealing with our situation. There are times when I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm a one woman show and I didn't sign up for that. After all, I didn't create this beautiful baby by myself. But, duty calls and Quez signed his soul over to Uncle Sam 10 years ago and reenlisted in February of this year for another 6 years. I have no say so in the matter. Sydney and I just have to ride it out and hope for time to pass by quickly so that we can be a family again. I worry a lot; about how she'll react when he gets home. Will she push him away? Scream when he reaches out for her? Or will she recognize him from pictures and Skype and happily extend her pudgy caramel arms towards him like he had never left? We got word today that his homecoming date is July of 2014. Sydney will be nearly 1 year old when her daddy gets home. He's missing every bit of her first year.

This unaccompanied tour has tested my faith harder than any other tough time in my life. It's hard to keep a marriage afloat when you've spent more time apart than together. It's hard taking care of a baby all by yourself. It's hard being alone. Quez and I are fine but there are times when we do argue. He's hurt that he's missing out on his daughter's life. I'm pissed that he's not losing any sleep. It causes tension from time to time. We're fine, I promise. We love each other dearly but a lot of times, military spouses don't talk about how tough it can be to remain strong as a couple while you're apart. I wanted to be truthful.

When I moved back to Alabama, I was so sure that I'd have copious amounts of support and everything would be honky dory until my little family was reunited. Things were fine from March-May. That's when the newness of me being home wore off, I guess. I used to be angry that friends never texted or called to see how I was doing, offered to take me out to eat lunch, just ask me if I was okay. Now I've realized that they just don't know how to be there for me. It's partly my fault. I've never been one to call someone when I'm upset. The ones I do call are Quez and my mom. Jealousy is something I'm struggling with as well. Everyone else's lives are continuing and mine feels like it's at a stand still. My newsfeed on Facebook is eat up with family pictures at pumpkin patches, pumpkin carvings, trick or treating, hunting, or just daddies curled up on couches or in recliners with their sleeping babies. I don't think Sydney knows what "Daddy" is. That breaks my heart. I have just a few pictures of Quez and Sydney together. He left when she was 1 week old.

Over the past few months, I've been feeling like this small town, Alabama is no longer "home". It doesn't feel like home. I'm so ready to get into my own house, with my own things, and get into a routine until Quez returns. My motive for moving back home was to pay off our debt and let Sydney spend time with her grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. Reality is, I'm not happy here. I love my family dearly but I need to get out of Alabama. It feels like there's just nothing here for me. I don't really want to be in a foreign area without anyone I know but as long as Quez's next duty station is on the east coast, Sydney and I will most likely be heading that way around Spring Break time.

Well, Sleeping Beauty has awoken from her slumber and we're going to walk around the pond. Just wanted to check in and dust the cobwebs off of my blog. Be back when things slow down a little more. Keep us in your prayers.