If we're going to be completely honest here, I'll admit that I feel like I've been through the ringer from March 2013 until now. Quez is overseas and has been for nearly a year, adjusting to motherhood is quite the feat, and other factors have caused me a few gray hairs.
Marriage can be hard but it's especially tough when your spouse is gone more than they're home. I feel like we're constantly in some sort of readjustment period. You go from having them home every night for a year to not having them at all and it's grueling. Really grueling. There have been several arguments and deafening silences on the phone but we're making it through. Maybe I'm oversharing but at least I'm honest. I'm proud to say that we're both in a better place individually and as a couple than we were a few months ago. We remain committed to each other. I love him and he loves me. :) For better or for worse.
This deployment/unaccompanied tour has taken a toll on me. I have a little history of depression & I could feel myself very quickly falling into that black hole again once Quez left after Sydney's birth. It wasn't post partum depression. My feelings of inadequacy, tiredness, and not giving a crap had nothing to do with her. I was very careful about how I acted around her always making it a point to smile and really love on my baby during the day. Social media only got a few glimpses of how awful I was feeling. While I share quite a bit via Facebook & Instagram, there are still lots of things that I choose to leave the world in the dark about. Sure, I made a few complaints here and there but it wasn't even comparable to how miserable I was every single day. I'm aware some people may think I'm being dramatic right now. You may even be rolling your eyes. I've gotten the "at least it's not like the old days" comment, the "at least he was home for the birth and Christmas" comment and the ever so annoying "you knew what you were getting in to" comment. This gal is usually a level headed and polite person but I may or may not cut you if you say any of that to me. I can't help that the modern technological advances that we use today were not available or even invented during the wars of years past. I'm sorry that we got *extremely* lucky to bring our baby into the world together and spent Christmas as a family. I did NOT know what I was getting in to. It's overwhelming to do this by yourself; to look at daddy/daughter pictures online and know that your child won't have a daddy/daughter picture from that time in her life. It's not fun watching your baby reach these sweet milestones knowing that her daddy is missing everything. Should I look on the bright side? Absolutely. No matter how sad I am, I'm also incredibly happy that we have a healthy, beautiful, & smart little girl. Does that make the hurt hurt any less? Nope. Sometimes it hurts so bad it feel like it radiates through my bones. My body literally aches. Part of my foul mood has come from being so isolated at my parents' house. We made the decision for me to move back home because I'd be 13 hours away in Virginia with a newborn for over a year and neither one of us was comfortable with that. I'm glad we chose that because I wound up having a cesarean. There's nothing left for me in my hometown. It hasn't felt like home in a long time. I've been home for a few days shy of a year and I've seen a few people a handful of times maybe. Support was what I was missing but I'm also not the best at maintaining friendships. I've tried with a few people. Shooting texts or calling them to see if they wanted to do lunch or something but to no avail. I've outgrown several friendships, I guess. That's okay. I've found that it's hard to relate to almost anyone who isn't going through what I'm going through. It's not their fault. I'm just so wrapped up in my own hurt right now.
Virginia Beach is where I'll call home again in just a few short days. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery. I need that. I was so much more active up there. I went to a local park with walking trails very often, hung out with friends, attended pot lucks, was more active in church. To feel better, I KNOW this is what needed to be done and I'm proud of myself for making that step.
Blogging will resume regularly once we get settled in to our apartment. It's my outlet. I'm making more time for myself. I think I'm a strong person for recognizing my problem and rectifying it. There are several other things I want to work on but I'm making strides in the right direction. Until then, a few prayers for myself, Quez, and SJ would be greatly appreciated. This life is not easy. He misses us and we miss him immensely.
